Love, Marriage & the Baby Carriage
Hubs and I will be celebrating four years of marriage next week and I have been reflecting on how things have changed post baby, how our partnership has evolved and some gems we have learned along the way. This topic is one I wanted to share because in this new world of oversharing, it is hardly discussed. Even in my own close-knit circle of friends who are married with children, it is a topic that I almost cringe to bring up. This very private subject is one many seem to gloss over when adding more humans to the equation. Babies shift many dynamics in a home and marriage being one. So, let’s talk about it.
B.C.- Before children, hubs and I were clear and agreed our relationship would always come first, as we are the foundation of our family and in order for it to thrive the foundation must be strong. Naturally with a new baby, the relationship has to take a back seat to the immediate needs of your newborn, right?
As a first-time parent you really don’t know what to expect. You soon will be welcoming a new baby into your family who will depend solely on you for quite a while. Learning to love and live with your spouse is one thing, but it’s a whole other when you add a dependent. That added layer can cause stress as you are individually and collectively navigating your new roles as parents, and who and how you are as a parent.
While pregnant I received some invaluable advice from a dear friend. Along with making sure I was stocked with enough super maxi pads, she told me having kids will highlight the best and worst parts in your relationship. And it couldn’t have been truer.
Here are a few of the struggles, lessons learned, tips implemented and understanding that was gained in our almost 2 years since adding another human to the equation. I would love to hear what you and your spouse/partner have done to manage your relationship during the rearing of these chirrren. I also am not admitting to being an expert in any of the below. I am still a work in progress.
Don’t forget you’re a wife first!- The love and special bond you had with your partner before baby is what got lil man or lil mama into this world. Mothering many times take a natural precedent over the needs of a grown person, your spouse, but you can still make your partner feel loved, reassured and felt cared for. (i’m talking to myself here y’all.)
You are not superwoman and nobody asked you to be- You’re doing everything and exhausted right? Well, let go of the burden of being the everything at all times. There are people who can, will and want to help you. This will make you a better mother and a happier wife!
Make deliberate time for one another- For example we moved Kinsley’s bedtime up to get extra time together before we/me falls asleep lol. With our crazy lives and the mundane everyday routine its important to STOP, take time out and connect with each other.
Spend time apart- I know I just said spend time together, but time apart is just as healthy in my opinion. Go out with your girlfriends and decompress and encourage him to go out with the boys.
Reset- Our anniversary has become a time to reset our goals together, discuss whether or not our needs are being met and making sure the other person is aware of how and what the other is feeling towards our union. I am not a confrontational person and Gary is not one who loves to express what he’s feeling when he’s feeling it, so this is always a really important time to be candid and honest with one another. So far it has really worked well in that we most of the time are echoing and agreeing with one another.
Make plans- Having something to look forward to together whether a vacation, night out or time alone together is essential. It is exciting to be excited about doing something with your partner.
Baby phase does not last long- Those sleepless nights and nights where there’s a third party in your bed, while it might of seemed like forever it won’t last long. It’s literally a glitch in time so hold on and be strong and communicate through your struggles.
Communicate- Communication was the number one piece of advice we got when we got married and it is my number on piece of advice in parenthood. Communicate that you are overwhelmed and exhausted and lean on your partner to off load somethings they maybe can handle if you let them. I remember telling my husband I felt lonely after having the baby. He was easily able to move and go as he pleased, but I had to always make arrangements and that made me resent his freedom. I just felt like the default parent. But I spoke up, he listened, he made adjustments and I don’t feel like that anymore.
Give a little grace- You will not always agree on everything when it comes to your child. You nor your spouse will also not be perfect at all things baby. Don’t make the other feel bad if they put the wrong walking shoes on or change the diaper at a slower speed than you’re use to . (I’m talking to the mamas here specifically!) If you aren’t careful that will be one more thing back on your list.
Don’t keep score- It’s not a competition between you and your spouse. Throw away the score sheet.
Remember who you are to each other- Being married is wonderful and truly a blessing. Sharing your life, creating life and sharing invaluable memories with another person is a gift so special it can only come from God.
Share the tea sis! What do you and your partner do to maintain a healthy marriage amongst parenting?
Love Ya, Mean It