Mom Guilt- Why I don't have it.
Last year I read Shonda Rhimes' book, the Year of Yes. I had not yet given birth, but the way she described her battle with juggling her roles of mom and professional spoke to me slash alarmed me for what I was in for lol. She reiterated several times throughout, that when she was doing well at her job, she was failing at motherhood, and when she was doing great as a mom, she was failing her job. Some role was always "losing". I was like damn why we gotta fail in a category though? After all society wants me to do EVERYTHING and not tire, right. Be an amazing wife, open a business, be bikini ready year round, cook every night, meal prep the babies food, be gluten free, volunteer, work full time and still be cute.
Nah sis.
Fast forward to baby’s arrival.
I realized very early on the patience, time and energy required to be an engaged mommy. I wanted to be everything for my husband and my baby. But then, I realized what about me. There has to be a balance because honestly the imbalance will take over, if you let it.
I returned to work when Kinsley was four months old and I knew I was going to miss her dearly. I had spent every day of her life with her thus far. But then I got to work and was busy and productive and I thrived on that feeling. The first day I was confused with my not missing her the way I thought I would. I mean, before returning to work I was dramatically saying to people, " how will I ever make it through the day " with my hand across my forehead. I went from caring for my baby around the clock to shifting my attention to ensuring our clients’ needs were met. I was interacting with adults, getting dressed for work, doing my hair and getting out of the house.
side note: Kinley's daycare is amazing and she is great hands so I don't have the anxiety of a stranger possibly harming my child.
As a working mother, yes I miss out on the daily changes and progressions Kinsley makes while at daycare, but my husband and I have made it a point to spend our time with her before bed playing, reading and engaging. By doing this I don’t feel as though I have missed as much. I purposely set Kinsley’s bed time to 9 pm so we could actually spend a couple hours with her after our work day. The balance beam of being a working professional, wife and mother is exhausting and I have realized it will probably never stabilize. Just like Shonda said, one category will take more energy, more of my attention and more of my greatness at any given time. I’ve accepted that and chosen to just be fully present in whatever role I’m in at the time.
Forward to mom guilt.
I can’t carry guilt. I realize for me to be the best mom and wife I can be I need to have purpose. My work is my purpose. I work to provide for my family. I may not be doing my dream job, but I’m damn good at what I do. I’m efficient, I’m flexible and I’m respected at work. This makes for a more tired Natty when I get home, but I have a sense of tired fulfillment. I have served some purpose on each work day.
Cue in this vacation with my husband. We are in Cabo to witness the marriage of two great friends and both Gary and I while we miss our baby we realize this is a chance to relax, catch up on sleep (because Kinsley don’t know what sleeping in on a Saturday means ) and recharge. We will come back better for each other and better for our Daughter. I cant spend my time here feeling guilty about missing bed time and bath time for a couple days because what purpose will that serve?
I have jokingly shared with my husband and friends that my life goal is to be a stay at home mom, but in all actuality getting up getting dressed and leaving the house, while hard most days is what is best for me. Therefore, mom guilt is not a productive feeling!
What I do feel sometimes is a slip of myself - a slip of my dreams hobbies and goals. Less time for myself to be the best me whether that be mastering a regulated gym schedule, spending time on my goals, not rushing home from a nail appointment or vacationing with girlfriends. Could that slip be guilt? Guilt of feeling or wanting to feel selfish? Like having fun without my baby makes me a less of a good mom.
Nah! Let me reassure you all those things are necessary.
My girl Shonda said it best- “Give yourself permission to fail. The guilt that we place on ourselves as parents is tremendous. I feel like we are supposed to be setting examples of strength, power, joy, and excitement for our children. And it's been really lovely to embrace that mind-set both in how I'm parenting and in how I'm working.”
So pat yourself on the back cus you're doing it sis! Let go of those useless feelings of guilt! Our babies need us happy, empowered and strong! So go out have a glass of wine with girls, do date night over and over and leave the mom guilt in the diaper pail.
Remember- a happy mommy is a better mommy!
Love you, mean it,
